Spent some time with just our eldest today. The difference between being with both of them is just night and day.

It was almost relaxing going for lunch!

Kai: Who are you?

Po: I’ve been asking myself that question. Am I the son of a panda? The son of a goose? A student? A teacher? I’m all of those things. [Po’s chi forms the shape of a dragon around him] I am the Dragon Warrior! Get it? You see the giant dragon?

This scence popped into my head recently. I’ve been thinking about who I am and what I do as a result of that. Though, maybe that would be better phrased as ‘because of who I chose to be’?
Maybe. Probably.
Father, husband, son, friend, teacher…

And I’ve been thinking about it because everything has felt a ‘bit’ much lately. Doing everything I can, because what other choice is there, for the first, second and fifth things on that list have are proving a lot. Like I’m stumbling from one to the next to the next. You know how when you’re walking up hill and it looks like you’re about to get to the top but it’s not, you have more climbing to do.

I feel like that.

And I’ve been trying to focus on getting my MEDS(meditation, exercise, diet and sleep) and maybe they are keeping me in check, from being overwhelmed? Probably.

I can’t focus to write it properly. So here’s a list.

1. I runned. Just went out and did it. We joke that we don’t run in our little group but not because we can’t but because it isn’t practical.

2. 一诺千金yi nuo qian jin. One of the reasons I like my class is they “throw the stuff” we try to teach them back in our face. Got to respect that. In this case it’s a Chinese phrase, saying? That means, ‘do what you say’. I’m constantly hearing it from them and am a better teacher and human being because of it.

3. I’m mostly introverted. And most of the time living in a non-native language speaking bubble in another country is ok. Sometimes it isn’t and that’s hard. Today it’s that Lyra has people to go meet and I don’t feel there’s anyone, my closest friends might as well be on another planet.

4. I am loving both Peacemaker and After Live for being both crude but also having this human moments that makes me cry.

5. I think that’s it. Now coffee.

With thanks to @maique for the idea. This is all off the top of my head but hoping to make notes for next week.

📺 Peacemaker - Didn’t know it was a thing. Glad that it is. I like the comedy parts of this a whole lot. Some of the interactions are just great.

🎵 I found my old Blogspot account and have started listening to Maximillian Hecker - Rose a whole lot. Also, this Viper Diva set @hollyhoneychurch posted is amazing. They’re playing in Manchester tonight.

🤼‍♂️ Glad to see Moxley back on AEW. Always grateful to see men talking about having problems.

✒️ Haiku a day continues but it’s become a chore. So I need to either make the effort again or stop. Since I can’t decide yet. It continues.

👨🏾‍🏫 Work continues. I beat myself up about the things I percieve to be doing wrong and fail to celebrate or recognise any successes.

♥️I struggle with work and home and them both being emotionally draining and that that results in me being emotionally drained. I battle with keeping my patience and beat myself up when I don’t.

• Lying in bed with the two kids this morning and thinking, ‘one day I’ll miss this’ and staying a little bit longer.

• Talking to a friend about aiming high today. The target is to not be annoyed with the kids and that’s it. Everything else is a bonus. I’ve watched some wrestling, listening to the BBC 6 mix linked down below, finished Wordle, made coffee and breakfast and now enjoying the screen enduced quiet around the home AND Elise finished her homework without a fight.

• swissmiss | Link Pack Always like Tina Roth Eisenberg’s ‘link packs’ but today there’s a couple of interesting links.

• This Twitter thread about things someone has learned by 40. Which is how old I am this year so I’m adding it to the list of things I want to do but probably won’t.

• Also, this list of ‘Movers and Makes’ by Hiut Denim. I remember when the founders of that owned a brand called @Howies who I used to love when I was a teenager. Ok, that’s a lot of memories.

• Finally these morning after mixes from BBC6 I’m discovering are awesome!

I’ve been thinking about this a whole lot since I read it. I’ve shared it with a few people I felt brave enough to do so with. I talked it over some. I bought someone a travel mug with their words on.

I kept coming back to this line from this pos:

the price of higher productivity is always lower creativity

About how it applies to me in my role as teacher and a father and a husband who is always busy because there’s always things to do. Always.

“Productivity is a trap. Becoming more efficient just makes you more rushed, and trying to clear the >decks simply makes them fill up again faster… Since finitude defines our lives… living a truly authentic >life — becoming fully human — means facing up to that fact.”

That the price of always being busy is I never have time to think and ruminate some. I struggle to allow myself that. So this year the intention is to allow myself that.

So I’ve gone with slow as my word of the year. It’s actually on the list as slowly and I considered slow down but it’s all the same in my head. That’s what I’m going with.

And yes I need to read Four Thousand Weeks.
I’ll get it soon I hope.

I struggle with feeling like I need some time to myself and not getting it.

We, as a family and I, as a father and husband and full time worker (7:30-4:30), simply don’t have the time for it. And after the kids have gone to bed never feels like quality time.

So do I need to stop expecting it? That I am not owed it then.

Maybe.

From Ted Lasso’s talk of fathers, rewatching Arrival and it’s part about children, the book [The Garderner and the Carpenter] that I’m trying to read and my own mental health this week. I’ve spent too much time thinking of myself, myself as a father, my relationship with my wife, our relationship with our children and our own children.

It has been overwhelming. It is overwhelming. It will always be.

This is the first photo I posted to Flickr on September 28th 2004. 17 years ago. 17. Actually, it’s a scan of a photo since it was before I even had a digital camera.

Scrolling through my photos is potent and such an incredible snapshot of a period of my life. That I can’t bring myself to delete my account. Even though, I don’t upload photos there and I rarely use it. Hmmmm

‘Unnecessarily cruel’: how Australia’s closed border is forcing migrants to leave permanently

I do not know how I feel about this article.

I, we, are in a very similar situation. We were lucky my parents came to visit at Christmas 2019. Otherwise, we’d be heading for 2 years without seeing them. It’s now almost 2 years since we’ve left China, with no apparent end in sight. We’ve just sort of accepted that we can’t leave and won’t be leaving anytime soon.

Of course, it’s not that we can’t leave. It’s that if we did we wouldn’t get back in and then I would lose our main source of income.

Though, not seeing my family for a while is sort of normal for us.

The additional issue, for me personally, is that we live in my wife’s hometown. Most of the time, I’m ok with our situation and sometimes it’s really hard.

I’m currently reading Exhalation by Ted Chiang. One of the short stories involves the interactions between a missionary and a child he has met. They talk about writing.

“Moseby explained to Jijingi how each a person spoke could be indicated with a different mark on the paper. The marks were arranged in rows like plants in a field you looked at the marks as if you were walking down a row, made the sound each mark indicated, and you would find yourself speaking what the original person had said.”

Then words.

“… But you need to leave spaces when you write.” “I have.” Jijingi pointed at the gap between each row. “No, that is not what I mean. Do you see the spaces within each line?” He pointed at his own paper. Jijingi understood. “Your marks are clumped together, while mine are arranged evenly.” “These are not just clumbs of marks. … Where I come from, we call them ‘words’. When we write we leave spaces between the words.” “But what are words.” “How can I explain it?” He thought a moment. “If you speak slowly, you pause very briefly after each word. That’s why we leave a space in those places when we write. Like this: How. Many. Years. Old. Are. You?” He write on his paper has he spoke, leave a space every time he paused. “But you speak slowly because you’re a foreigner. I’m Tiv, so I don’t pause when I speak. Shouldn’t my writing be the same?” “It does not matter how fast you speak. Words are the same whether you speak quickly or slowly.”

It just struck me.

As a Year 1 (kindergarten) teacher, these are things we support students to learn every day. It was interesting to see a discussion that included someone who had never been exposed to the idea of writing or ‘words’.

It started with my sister saying she was doing a challenge of going in the ocean every day and she got mum involved but they live in places you can do that, whereas I don’t. Then I read Leo Babuta’s post on ‘What I Learned About Facing Fear from Cold Swimming;’ which he is doing as part of his ‘discomfort challenges’.

So, as I was meditating a couple of days ago I put 2 and 2 together and got 4 but maybe 5 and decided cold showers should be a thing this week.

I liked yesterdays Daily Dad

It’s not fair to subject your kids to all the things that have broken your heart in this world. It’s not fair to let your experiences deprive them of the hope and belief they need not just to survive but to be happy.

We have to stay positive. We have to keep trying. We have to remain strong—against the pull of bitterness and anger and hopelessness.

It makes me think of a couple of things that often come to mind. The first is them knowing my fears, or the things that I find difficult. The second is how I’m feeling and how they are aware of that - particularly the negative emotions.

Carole King’s Tapestry is 50 year old but I can still listen to it. For me, it reminds me of Mum and Dad playing it in the car. Which makes me think of road trips to France and staying in a tent or that time we stayed in Dad’s colleagues holiday home - I remember reading James Herbert horror novels because that’s what was on the shelf and the supermarket playing 7 Seconds by Neneh Cherry and Youssou N’Dour.

Other albums/artists I think about in the same way are by Kate Bush, Elton John and The Eurythmics.

Having someone to go with makes it harder to not go and more fun when I do.

Having someone working a different level has been good too, in that it forces me to consider what I’m doing more. As I creep towards 40, I’m making choices about working out so I can work out again this week and next month and for the foreseeable future. I’m happy with the programme I’m doing, I like this quote from their website.

It is for these reasons and more that Linchpin focuses on long-term health and fitness. We want you (and your back, knees, and shoulders) to be fit, happy, healthy, and extremely capable for decades to come.

Today was my 26th day of walking a(t least a) mile a day (in one go) in December. Tonight, I forgot to start my Outdoor walk workout on my Apple Watch but I got a buzz half way around to ask me if that was what I was doing and it had recorded the walk so far, which is cool.

I was thinking of writing a top 10 things I learned and I did honestly start thinking about that but I’m struggling to find the time at the moment. So, i’ll leave with you the two that I thought of so far.

1. I thought it would be a struggle to find the time, but it hasn’t been. Most of the walks I’ve done between 8 and 10pm. Probably a lesson there.
2. I’ve walked the same 2km route most days and that’s been fine too, I thought it would be monotanous but it really hasnt’t been. Probably a lesson there too.

As well, I’m happy with not doing any running at all, I meant to but with the walk I’m out of the flat pretty quickly as long as everything is charged and I don’t need to do anything

2020 is the year of the Kind Movie — and it couldn’t have come at a better time

Also, tv because it mentions Ted Lasso and while I don’t think I agree with all the kind films I do like the idea. There’s lots of recommendations and discussion too in the Metafilter thread I saw the link.

And while I’m at it, I had meant to talk about Speed Cubers and Queen’s Gambit because they both caught my eye for similar reasons. The first is a documentary ostensably about people doing Rubik’s cube’s REALLY fast and that’s why I started it but it turns out to be about the rivalry and friendship. The latter, I just like how it resolved it in the end.

I’m trying to be more focused today, possibly tomorrow too, which mostly means not picking my phone up every ten seconds and using my computer more purposefully. Today’s struggle was trying to sit through of all of this TED talk without opening a new browser window to search for the speaker’s name or sending a message to someone about it. I managed it, which I’m pretty proud of.

It’s called Want to change the world? Start by being brave enough to care and I liked it a lot because it was something I benefited from hearing.

I read yesterday about how Austin Kleon was writing about there being no finish line and talked about the Big Dog’s Backyard which is a race, of sorts, where you have an hour to 4.1677miles and if you can do that, you do it again and again and again.

the race format where you are always tied for the lead….
until you give up..
the race format where anyone can win.
all they have to do is to never quit.

It’s not surprising it’s from the man who started The Barkley Marathon. One of those things I’d never do but would like to, it’s a little out there. I like that even if I don’t like running but there was a time when a friend and I did 35miles in a day just because and that was different. Maybe because it was outside, the UK has some beautiful countryside.

Which is a round-about way of getting to my point, I read about someone doing The Character Mile where you run a mile a day. I was considering doing something, for me that’s normally burpees, so I’m going ot try and step outside my comfort zone a little.

Since I started reading it at 10pm last night I walked the 3.2km home today and that’ll have to do for the first two days. I also drank 2 beers as I did it, but we’ll see if I stick with that…

Kottke just linked to this post titled An Easy Way To Practise Gratitude which is about a game where you simply name 5 nice things in your life. The rules are ‘don’t overthink it, and be specific.’

It ties in nicely for me with something I do about noticing nice things in my life, which I got from this Kurt Vonnegut quote

Anyway, here are mine…

1. The security guard at school said good morning in English to me yesterday. Normally they would greet us in Chinese but he’s obviously been practising. Even though I had my headphones in it made me smile. Going against my normal programming I shared it in a school chat group and it turns out other people had noticed too. It made me feel a little more connected with people at school/work and I’m glad I shared it.

2. A teacher’s friend is doing takeaway food from his flat. Yesterday he did bbq chicken with chips, peas and coldslaw and it was amazing. We ate it with a few friends and I had a couple of drinks and didn’t even get too annoyed with the kids!

3. It’s the weekend and Lyra and I are going on a date tonight while the grandparents babysit. Curry and cocktails. I think I might get my hair cut today aswell. “My hair is long because I haven’t had the time to have it cut.”

4. It’s the morning, Lyra and Yumo are asleep. I’m having coffee and Elise is getting some screentime. No one is crying or angry and it’s a very pleasant start to Saturday morning.

5. The Apple photo widget has such a noticeable, positive impact on my life. Opening my phone to old photos of my wife, kids and family is just THE BEST.

I find I come home from work and spend time with the kids and eventually get them to bed and then I have time. The thing I want most in the whole world, beyond a home gym and a British supermarket.

Yet, I inevitably waste it with idle browsing, being annoyed or stressed or anxious, some of this and some of that. Then suddenly it’s late and I really should be in bed and I’m feeling no better for the time.

So new plan is to have a plan in the evening. Monday was go to the gym, which was awesome and then. Yesterday Lyra and I started watching Monsters and Love - which is fine if the voiceovers are a bit much.

I think I just need to be specific. Using the time to go through my RSS feeds or even catching up on some YouTube videos is fine. There just needs to be purpose.

New me continues. Am I peaking too early?

Broke out the kettlebell and did this:

Perform 5 circuits of the following:

5 Dumbbell Snatches Per Arm
5 Dumbbell Swings Per Arm
10 Burpees
Rest 60 seconds and repeat

11:14.

The burpees slowed me right down. I should do more of them I suppose.

It occurred to me that I am, finally, becoming more pragmatic about doing exercise. Not by choice you understand. I would dearly love a gym outfitted in a way that China doesn’t do - by which I mean like a Crossfit gym - but it’s not going to happen. Maybe one day.

The one at school is actually pretty close but I can only use it straight after work and that doesn’t work. My family will come first. Always. Even if it gratesd, and it did. It still does a little. The pragmatism is there now, I’m happier about finding something that works for me, and that being ok.

That said, the big issue is not eating so much rubbish. That’s the real struggle!

The few hours Lyra and I just had were just what I needed. A chance to reset my mindset and for me to start again.

I’ve found it difficult when I’m either with my own children before and after work and other people’s children between 6am and 9pm. Much as love my own children and I do enjoy my teaching other people’s.

It’s one of those things about teaching that, when you’re working, yes you’re in charge but your time is very much not your own. You can’t leave the room to go to the toilet or go speak to someone, you can’t sit and have a think. While we do get some ‘free’ time during the time, it’s incredibly difficult to switch off. When you’re teaching them there’s a million other things to do.

Anyway. I feel very much better for the evening off of parenting and teaching.

Best thing you can do for your children sometimes, is to be away from them!

When your job involves working with young children (I teach Year 1(kindergarten)) and you have small children of your own at home. So your life involves the associated testing of patience before, during and after work. It’s a little emotionally taxing.

In other news grass is green and water is wet.

This is also me thinking I should be a little kinder on myself.

Ok, I didn’t make it to the gym this evening but I did do some KB swings, squats and press (push) ups on the balcony - which is better than nothing. Only in 31c heat, so not too hot…

Feeling all the better for it too.