Was a guy waiting by the entrance to the warehouse offering to help you take stuff you’ve bought home AND help you putting it up. If i needed it, I would feel comfortable doing it in China, honestly. It reminds me of the time we first went to IKEA in Beijing with friends and got in some guy’s van to take us home. I distinctly remember worrying something bad would happen. See also the time in Beijing, the taxi driver took us down a sketchy path behind a factory. It was just to get the battery swapped out of his car, but similar vibes.

I think I’ll eventually sign up to YouTube to stop watching the Grammarly adverts of people in boats in the office. But! I do like that my home page is blank because my ‘watch history’ is off. Means that I click subscriptions and just see videos from channels I subscribe to. No ‘would you like to watch this’ thrown in - though obviously there are recommended videos when I do click a video.

Conversely, Reddit is always throwing new communities in my feed and I hate it! I hate it, because I can’t be trusted not too click. I am the weakest link.

“A Missouri college student is crate-digging through Flickr for early 2000s nostalgia, reposting it on Instagram for a new audience”

https://www.instagram.com/tvwishes/

Wow. This is nostalgic. Guess, I’ll start posting some of my old Flickr photos soon. I guess I started around 2004, I think. I think my first photos on Flickr were scans of photos of a holiday in Mauritius.

via waxy.org

Maybe you’ve seen the London Underground boards with quotes on. Apparently it’s called All On Board(Instagram link) and there’s a book. In a similar spirit, I’ve been doing something similar at school. Once a week I’ve putting a quote or some quotes that I’ve found on a book outside our classroom. I do have a commonplace book to write them down, I have many notebooks actually but I rarely find the time to write them down. Instead I send themselves on Signal. Every Monday I scroll through and pick one. Trying to make it relevant for school and students. Which means no parenting ones. Just, something to make someone think…

Have many people mentioned it? No, not many but also, not 0. So I keep doing it. Affecting more than 0 people is worth it, I think. I should take photos.

Here’s a recent one, I need to get better at taking photos!

From 5:30am this morning. For some reason, getting up on Saturday is such a pleasure. It forces me to be sensible on Friday (early night and no drinking) and sets me up for Saturday.

The 1 hour and 40ish minutes it takes me to ruck 10ish km forces me to stop. Nothing to do but to keep moving. Though, I don’t normally get my phone out but I did today a couple of time.

Only risk is waking one of the kids as I get ready. Thankfully it doesn’t happen often.

We had our ‘Learning Celebration’ yesterday. Which is where parents are invited in and the children show off some of their work. This time, students worked in groups to make a display about a community they are part of. This was simply a display of the work they’ve done. Also, we asked them to make an ‘activity’ for parents to do. Parents got a stamp for each activity and if they got all 7 they got a student designed sticker. The activities were interesting but entirely student led and all the better for it.

The parents seemed to enjoy it, the students enjoyed it too, and yet… These events always make me nervous. If I’m honest, and I’m trying to be, it’s that I don’t feel that I’m doing a good enough job as a teacher. That the parents will be angry, confrontational and unhappy with the education myself and my team are providing. Surprisingly, this has never happened but the anxiety persists.

Yet I do believe it’s an overall positive, for everyone, even me! Even if it’s some additional stress. We are also lucky that almost all our parents are able to make it to these events.

Teaching Isn’t Rocket Science but It Is Surely Harder (Ryan Fuller)

When I solved engineering problems, I had to use my brain. When I solve teaching problems, I use my entire being—everything I have.

Yeah, I cut the end of that quote. Let’s not go there.

I think it does a good job of starting to get to what can make teaching ‘tricky’. Where ‘tricky’ means all-consuming.

One of my go-to thoughts is that it’s often just the volume of things you have to do and the accompanying stress of trying to do all of them, often simultaneously. If I just had one thing to do, to teach this one lesson I’d be fine, I could give that my focus.

But it’s not just one thing.
And yes, I should probably write things down.
And I have an ongoing, developing, evolving list somewhere in my head of things that need doing.
And important varies moment to moment.
And tasks vary from the simple to the complex.
And sometimes, I’m a frog in pan of water as starts to bubble.
And boil. And more heat is added and added…
And sometimes I’m right there, present.
And sometimes I’m a million miles away.
And it’s just a job?
And what of my own family?

I watched this video by Mark Manson about quitting alcohol 500 days ago and talking about the less obvious benefits of not drinking. How he likes doing less, not feeling the need to be busy and enjoying being bored. And, while I don’t really drink a lot anyway and so have no plans to quit alcohol completely it did make me think.

It made me think about something I’ve thought about a lot. About the roles I have and the things that I consider important to me and the choices I will have to make as a result. That I want to be a good father and husband, I want to be there for my family. I want to be a good teacher, though this one is difficult because in some ways it’s a time and energy swallowing black hole. I want to get enough exercise for my physical and emotional well-being. I want to get enough sleep and to eat relatively healthily. I want to try and find time for myself sometimes since I’m with young children almost 24-7, 3-60-5. There’s things I think I should be doing too - mostly socialising. And, obviously, the problem is that you can’t and that’s hard sometimes.

Or at least, it was more so. After watching the video, I’ve been trying to embrace myself and not feeling like I need to apologise - not out loud of course! - for that. I’ve been trying to enjoy being with the kids and with Lyra, and I always do but sometimes you feel like it’s a burden. Of trying to step away from my devices more or at least to use them more purposefully, I started writing a story and we’ve been recording something for our ‘Podcast’ every day for a week or so, it’s on Spotify at the moment, I know, I know but it’s a start!

A newsletter about the books, shows, games, etc. that spark kids’ imagination, stoke their creativity, and liberate their minds. Think “Bluey,” but stuff that isn’t “Bluey.”

https://writsmall.substack.com/p/today-by-julie-morstad

Seems right up my street that.

In related Bluey news. We watched the extended Bluey episode The Sign this week. My two loved it a lot. It also featured the Zen Farmer story and we’ve been coming back to that a lot since we watched it. Made me think of one of my favourite books - Zen Shorts by Jon J Muth - which also includes the story. Interesting to see the episode pop up on the Stoicism subreddit too.

Huush - Full Performance (Live on KEXP) - YouTube

No idea what inspired me to click this link from KEXP’s YouTube channel. I follow it but rarely click anything honestly. Occasionally I’ll go back to one of Kae Tempest’s or IDLES videos. I don’t know why I did, but I’m glad I did. They are described as deciding to…

make a lot of noise with this new électro rock project. They warn us again, freedom will be total, punks are in the house ! Drums thump hard, guitar oscillates between technoid arpeggios and saturated sound, while the synthetic bass underpins powerful beats.

And I’m on board for that. There’s only a single song on Apple Music so I’ve been playing this short set on repeat in the meantime.

I made a list of the things I could do instead of using my phone.

Read, write, draw, meditate, go for a walk, watch tv (without my phone), learn.

The list was endless but didn’t work for me at all. I was looking at it wrong, I think.
After reading about sofa I’ve been much better. I’m doing things because I want to. I’m better at sitting and scribbling the first thing that comes into my head in the Muji fold flat notebook I bought, I’ve been spending some time learning Korean using Duolingo and through talking to the Korean students in my class, I signed up for omg.lol and have been enjoing being horrible at trying to do some to personalise my blog.
Now, I’m doing things because I want to and that’s all. If I do it for a 100 days, that’s cool and if I don’t, that’s ok too. I like this new way of thinking about it.

Got Nintendo’s Expansion Pack today so can now play the extra Mario Kart maps but also, a load of N64 and Sega Genesis cough Megadrive games like Revenge of Shinobi.

The kids staring, individually, a screen is bad but the three of us, collectively, staring at a screen and laughing is a whole other thing, I think. It feels different anyway. I am knackered after the weekend. Tomorrow I can go be a teacher and rest a while…

My third job, after family and work, continues.

That of trying to find a new job. It’s ups and downs. I want to do it properly, but finding the time to that is hard after the other two. It’s also stressful for a few different reasons. One of which is it means our family will be moving, definitely to a new city but potentially a new country too. The other is that I just struggle with the whole process. Of crafting my cv and cover letter appropriately and being happy with it. Of, already worrying about interviews when that’s not even on the horizon. I just find it a lot.

I teach because I enjoy teaching and this is not! I’m good at the teaching part and find it difficult selling myself, highlighting my good attributes.

I have a single resolution this year. Just that one. I will endeavour to complete this task regardless. I won’t avoid it when I’m tired or anxious. When I’m stressed or angry. I will always do it. I can’t not, really. It takes seconds. If I can’t do this then I can’t do anything. But in my head I will remember the converse. I I can do this, I can do anything. So I do this thing so that I can do anything. I have a thousand more resolutions. I pick them up from the ground. I borrow them from friends and family who give them with love. I steal them from strangers whom I silently give thanks to. I do them until they become habit or until I let them fall because they didn’t work. They are not resolutions for the year but for-ever and ever or for just this moment. Both work. I have many, but one that matters.

I’ve got all these things floating around in my head.

Anne Mueller’s piece about pain. This Ask Metafilter for it’s discussion about the line between pushing our children too hard and not hard enough (is that a thing?) and how when we put our children first, we become a not even close second.

This won’t be the last time you’re faced with options that are good for your kid and bad for you;

And how I do get pretty decent sleep and exercise regularly and eat ok(ish) and that these things are keep me sane despite feeling overwhelmed constantly. Sabrina Benhaim’s Poem - Explaining My Depression To My Mother.

“Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don’t want to be at” is boucing around my head.

That I heard sampled on Fred Again..’s New Year Mix on Apple Music. Which I did because there’s only so much I can listen to his Boiler Room mix before it becomes a problem. But seriously, I do love his Actual Life albums. This Oatmel comic on compliments.

He used to find it hard to take a compliment. It was easier once he thought of them as borrowed, instead. Tucked away for the next person who needed one.

Steve Makofsky’s Makoism newsletter too, for being one of the few things or places on the Internet I actually read instead of letting my screen-adled brain skim over. See also Kottke. I keep meaning to donate something but I’m too busy spending my money on things that aren’t important to me. He posted a link to this article Humans Need Play and that’s in my head too recently.

Under stress, we focus on what we need to do: submit the project, feed the kid. Perhaps we find time for what we should do: answer the email, clean the counters. But under pressure, we tend to drop the things that feel… optional. Frivolous perhaps. In particular, play.

And how the regular-ish games of table tennis I play with a colleague is probably also keeping me saner than I realise.

The opposite of play is not work – the opposite of play is depression. Dr Stuart Brown.

• Since the kids started school they are both falling asleep so much faster. Bedtime is still stressful, but less so and I am grateful for that. However, they rise, refreshed and raring to go at 6am.
• We had an earthquake yesterday, but I didn’t feel it, I never do. Colleagues inside did though. We were reasonably far from it.
• The whole school is being COVID tested today, so story-mapping Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak will likely be pushed to tomorrow. Did you know that book is 60 years old next year?
• Still settling into working with new people and students and still feeling unsettled by it. Forever finding things to worry about. Forever feeling not good enough.
• Which ties nicely into just feeling overwhelmed at the moment because work and home and being forever ‘on’. Well at least between 6am and 8pm. Have been going to bed before 9:30pm, which I know is good for me but it’s a battle mentally even if physically I fall asleep within seconds. Feeling like I need more time. Ain’t never enough time.

I had a headache, just a dull ache. I think it’s related to being stressed about going back to work on Monday after the summer holiday. Combined with the kids being themselves and me losing my patience twice yesterday that I’ve been beating myself up over. Maybe it’s the heat.

So, we went for massages this morning. I talked Lyra into coming since my confidence in my Chinese and my general anxiety over interacting with people always drops like a stone when I’m stressed.

A friend recommended the place a year or so back. From the outside it does not look like somewhere you should go. A small boxed sized room off the street that is clean but not upmarket in any, way, shapre of form.. 6 or 7 massage beds and while there are curtains they aren’t normally used since they massage you through the clothes you’re wearing. Don’t come expecting privacy. They chat amongst themselves while they give you the massage too. The masseurs who are not working, sit in the room using their phones and just hang out. So, the masseurs are all blind or nearly blind so they interact with their phones by their phones speaking out to them. Honestly, I tune it out so that’s not a big thing for me. If you want relaxing music and diffusers with nice smells you’re not gonna have a good time.

With that said. Sometimes I’ve walked out feeling… I think I told friends once that it felt like I had a new neck. The massages have always been incredible. Today, the headache was gone and I felt so much better. And it’s only 70rmb ($10ish) for an hour. Bargain.

Found this interesting. We want people doing exercise, especially as adults, but how do we get there?

As well, it’s currently the CrossFit Games currently and it reminds me that what the top, top, TOP athletes do in a given sport is nothing like what a ‘normal’ person who does that sport for fun/health does.

My Take on “Gladwell’s Law” That Elite Athletic Achievement Comes at the Expense of Mass Participation - Meta Bulletin

Elise has always had school lunch but with Yumo joining soon, we will soon be paying for 3 school lunches probably. With that in mind, last night we trialed packed lunch for dinner. Actually, surprisingly, improbably, it was a huge success. I did ham and cheese pin wheels with added broccoli.

Elise gave it a two thumbs up and her comment was that it didn’t need 2 biscuits, one was enough.

Yes to this, I don’t know how people can put the kids to bed and then do more work. I just can’t. As well, after working for 45 hours, I don’t have more work in me at the weekend.

I do not put the kids to bed and then crack my laptop to write. The gates of my brain roll down at 7 p.m. like a mall food court Chik-Fil-A on Sunday. time freedom and brainpower and then I had that additional kid.

If I’m on deadline, then I remove myself from the house to do it. Usually a bar on a weekday evening, because I struggle to bring professional energy of any kind to a weekend.

Everything Happened - vol. 215 - by Evie Ebert

So here’s what you do. When you’re faced with a tough decision, picture yourself in the future looking back on it. Whichever one you’d regret not choosing, that’s the one you should choose.

I breeze through my feeds sometimes, starring things or even marking unread things I know I should go back to, but it will surprise you to hear that I often don’t. Often, though things will rattle around in my head like an earworm (thoughtworm?) and I will go back to them.

Like this one.

And so I’ll push it forward, sometimes just to a collection I have in Notes, sometimes here on my blog or more often to individual friends.

Then, it has me thinking about my new exercise mantras that I picked up from Street Parking an at home workout plan with, apparently a great community feel. My exercise will never be what I wish it to be. For a few different reasons. I go backwards and forwards with my feelings towards this. Sometimes, I can accept that it and other times…

From the Street Parking intro video they say, be consistent and more than nothing.

I like that. So i’m going with that, for now!

Quote source - The regret minimization framework – Mike Crittenden

Glad that Kate Bush is trending again.
For me it brings back memories of our old Volvo estate. The one with the seats in the boot and a back seat that would fold down. Listening to the album on a cassette deck, obviously. It’s intermingled with memories of driving to France to go camping.

With thanks to @maique for the idea. This is all off the top of my head but hoping to make notes for next week.

📺 Peacemaker - Didn’t know it was a thing. Glad that it is. I like the comedy parts of this a whole lot. Some of the interactions are just great.

🎵 I found my old Blogspot account and have started listening to Maximillian Hecker - Rose a whole lot. Also, this Viper Diva set @hollyhoneychurch posted is amazing. They’re playing in Manchester tonight.

🤼‍♂️ Glad to see Moxley back on AEW. Always grateful to see men talking about having problems.

✒️ Haiku a day continues but it’s become a chore. So I need to either make the effort again or stop. Since I can’t decide yet. It continues.

👨🏾‍🏫 Work continues. I beat myself up about the things I percieve to be doing wrong and fail to celebrate or recognise any successes.

♥️I struggle with work and home and them both being emotionally draining and that that results in me being emotionally drained. I battle with keeping my patience and beat myself up when I don’t.

• Lying in bed with the two kids this morning and thinking, ‘one day I’ll miss this’ and staying a little bit longer.

• Talking to a friend about aiming high today. The target is to not be annoyed with the kids and that’s it. Everything else is a bonus. I’ve watched some wrestling, listening to the BBC 6 mix linked down below, finished Wordle, made coffee and breakfast and now enjoying the screen enduced quiet around the home AND Elise finished her homework without a fight.

• swissmiss | Link Pack Always like Tina Roth Eisenberg’s ‘link packs’ but today there’s a couple of interesting links.

• This Twitter thread about things someone has learned by 40. Which is how old I am this year so I’m adding it to the list of things I want to do but probably won’t.

• Also, this list of ‘Movers and Makes’ by Hiut Denim. I remember when the founders of that owned a brand called @Howies who I used to love when I was a teenager. Ok, that’s a lot of memories.

• Finally these morning after mixes from BBC6 I’m discovering are awesome!

I’ve been thinking about this a whole lot since I read it. I’ve shared it with a few people I felt brave enough to do so with. I talked it over some. I bought someone a travel mug with their words on.

I kept coming back to this line from this pos:

the price of higher productivity is always lower creativity

About how it applies to me in my role as teacher and a father and a husband who is always busy because there’s always things to do. Always.

“Productivity is a trap. Becoming more efficient just makes you more rushed, and trying to clear the >decks simply makes them fill up again faster… Since finitude defines our lives… living a truly authentic >life — becoming fully human — means facing up to that fact.”

That the price of always being busy is I never have time to think and ruminate some. I struggle to allow myself that. So this year the intention is to allow myself that.

So I’ve gone with slow as my word of the year. It’s actually on the list as slowly and I considered slow down but it’s all the same in my head. That’s what I’m going with.

And yes I need to read Four Thousand Weeks.
I’ll get it soon I hope.

I struggle with feeling like I need some time to myself and not getting it.

We, as a family and I, as a father and husband and full time worker (7:30-4:30), simply don’t have the time for it. And after the kids have gone to bed never feels like quality time.

So do I need to stop expecting it? That I am not owed it then.

Maybe.

From Ted Lasso’s talk of fathers, rewatching Arrival and it’s part about children, the book [The Garderner and the Carpenter] that I’m trying to read and my own mental health this week. I’ve spent too much time thinking of myself, myself as a father, my relationship with my wife, our relationship with our children and our own children.

It has been overwhelming. It is overwhelming. It will always be.

This is the first photo I posted to Flickr on September 28th 2004. 17 years ago. 17. Actually, it’s a scan of a photo since it was before I even had a digital camera.

Scrolling through my photos is potent and such an incredible snapshot of a period of my life. That I can’t bring myself to delete my account. Even though, I don’t upload photos there and I rarely use it. Hmmmm

‘Unnecessarily cruel’: how Australia’s closed border is forcing migrants to leave permanently

I do not know how I feel about this article.

I, we, are in a very similar situation. We were lucky my parents came to visit at Christmas 2019. Otherwise, we’d be heading for 2 years without seeing them. It’s now almost 2 years since we’ve left China, with no apparent end in sight. We’ve just sort of accepted that we can’t leave and won’t be leaving anytime soon.

Of course, it’s not that we can’t leave. It’s that if we did we wouldn’t get back in and then I would lose our main source of income.

Though, not seeing my family for a while is sort of normal for us.

The additional issue, for me personally, is that we live in my wife’s hometown. Most of the time, I’m ok with our situation and sometimes it’s really hard.

I’m currently reading Exhalation by Ted Chiang. One of the short stories involves the interactions between a missionary and a child he has met. They talk about writing.

“Moseby explained to Jijingi how each a person spoke could be indicated with a different mark on the paper. The marks were arranged in rows like plants in a field you looked at the marks as if you were walking down a row, made the sound each mark indicated, and you would find yourself speaking what the original person had said.”

Then words.

“… But you need to leave spaces when you write.” “I have.” Jijingi pointed at the gap between each row. “No, that is not what I mean. Do you see the spaces within each line?” He pointed at his own paper. Jijingi understood. “Your marks are clumped together, while mine are arranged evenly.” “These are not just clumbs of marks. … Where I come from, we call them ‘words’. When we write we leave spaces between the words.” “But what are words.” “How can I explain it?” He thought a moment. “If you speak slowly, you pause very briefly after each word. That’s why we leave a space in those places when we write. Like this: How. Many. Years. Old. Are. You?” He write on his paper has he spoke, leave a space every time he paused. “But you speak slowly because you’re a foreigner. I’m Tiv, so I don’t pause when I speak. Shouldn’t my writing be the same?” “It does not matter how fast you speak. Words are the same whether you speak quickly or slowly.”

It just struck me.

As a Year 1 (kindergarten) teacher, these are things we support students to learn every day. It was interesting to see a discussion that included someone who had never been exposed to the idea of writing or ‘words’.

It started with my sister saying she was doing a challenge of going in the ocean every day and she got mum involved but they live in places you can do that, whereas I don’t. Then I read Leo Babuta’s post on ‘What I Learned About Facing Fear from Cold Swimming;’ which he is doing as part of his ‘discomfort challenges’.

So, as I was meditating a couple of days ago I put 2 and 2 together and got 4 but maybe 5 and decided cold showers should be a thing this week.

I liked yesterdays Daily Dad

It’s not fair to subject your kids to all the things that have broken your heart in this world. It’s not fair to let your experiences deprive them of the hope and belief they need not just to survive but to be happy.

We have to stay positive. We have to keep trying. We have to remain strong—against the pull of bitterness and anger and hopelessness.

It makes me think of a couple of things that often come to mind. The first is them knowing my fears, or the things that I find difficult. The second is how I’m feeling and how they are aware of that - particularly the negative emotions.

Carole King’s Tapestry is 50 year old but I can still listen to it. For me, it reminds me of Mum and Dad playing it in the car. Which makes me think of road trips to France and staying in a tent or that time we stayed in Dad’s colleagues holiday home - I remember reading James Herbert horror novels because that’s what was on the shelf and the supermarket playing 7 Seconds by Neneh Cherry and Youssou N’Dour.

Other albums/artists I think about in the same way are by Kate Bush, Elton John and The Eurythmics.

Having someone to go with makes it harder to not go and more fun when I do.

Having someone working a different level has been good too, in that it forces me to consider what I’m doing more. As I creep towards 40, I’m making choices about working out so I can work out again this week and next month and for the foreseeable future. I’m happy with the programme I’m doing, I like this quote from their website.

It is for these reasons and more that Linchpin focuses on long-term health and fitness. We want you (and your back, knees, and shoulders) to be fit, happy, healthy, and extremely capable for decades to come.

Today was my 26th day of walking a(t least a) mile a day (in one go) in December. Tonight, I forgot to start my Outdoor walk workout on my Apple Watch but I got a buzz half way around to ask me if that was what I was doing and it had recorded the walk so far, which is cool.

I was thinking of writing a top 10 things I learned and I did honestly start thinking about that but I’m struggling to find the time at the moment. So, i’ll leave with you the two that I thought of so far.

1. I thought it would be a struggle to find the time, but it hasn’t been. Most of the walks I’ve done between 8 and 10pm. Probably a lesson there.
2. I’ve walked the same 2km route most days and that’s been fine too, I thought it would be monotanous but it really hasnt’t been. Probably a lesson there too.

As well, I’m happy with not doing any running at all, I meant to but with the walk I’m out of the flat pretty quickly as long as everything is charged and I don’t need to do anything

2020 is the year of the Kind Movie — and it couldn’t have come at a better time

Also, tv because it mentions Ted Lasso and while I don’t think I agree with all the kind films I do like the idea. There’s lots of recommendations and discussion too in the Metafilter thread I saw the link.

And while I’m at it, I had meant to talk about Speed Cubers and Queen’s Gambit because they both caught my eye for similar reasons. The first is a documentary ostensably about people doing Rubik’s cube’s REALLY fast and that’s why I started it but it turns out to be about the rivalry and friendship. The latter, I just like how it resolved it in the end.

I’m trying to be more focused today, possibly tomorrow too, which mostly means not picking my phone up every ten seconds and using my computer more purposefully. Today’s struggle was trying to sit through of all of this TED talk without opening a new browser window to search for the speaker’s name or sending a message to someone about it. I managed it, which I’m pretty proud of.

It’s called Want to change the world? Start by being brave enough to care and I liked it a lot because it was something I benefited from hearing.

I read yesterday about how Austin Kleon was writing about there being no finish line and talked about the Big Dog’s Backyard which is a race, of sorts, where you have an hour to 4.1677miles and if you can do that, you do it again and again and again.

the race format where you are always tied for the lead….
until you give up..
the race format where anyone can win.
all they have to do is to never quit.

It’s not surprising it’s from the man who started The Barkley Marathon. One of those things I’d never do but would like to, it’s a little out there. I like that even if I don’t like running but there was a time when a friend and I did 35miles in a day just because and that was different. Maybe because it was outside, the UK has some beautiful countryside.

Which is a round-about way of getting to my point, I read about someone doing The Character Mile where you run a mile a day. I was considering doing something, for me that’s normally burpees, so I’m going ot try and step outside my comfort zone a little.

Since I started reading it at 10pm last night I walked the 3.2km home today and that’ll have to do for the first two days. I also drank 2 beers as I did it, but we’ll see if I stick with that…

Kottke just linked to this post titled An Easy Way To Practise Gratitude which is about a game where you simply name 5 nice things in your life. The rules are ‘don’t overthink it, and be specific.’

It ties in nicely for me with something I do about noticing nice things in my life, which I got from this Kurt Vonnegut quote

Anyway, here are mine…

1. The security guard at school said good morning in English to me yesterday. Normally they would greet us in Chinese but he’s obviously been practising. Even though I had my headphones in it made me smile. Going against my normal programming I shared it in a school chat group and it turns out other people had noticed too. It made me feel a little more connected with people at school/work and I’m glad I shared it.

2. A teacher’s friend is doing takeaway food from his flat. Yesterday he did bbq chicken with chips, peas and coldslaw and it was amazing. We ate it with a few friends and I had a couple of drinks and didn’t even get too annoyed with the kids!

3. It’s the weekend and Lyra and I are going on a date tonight while the grandparents babysit. Curry and cocktails. I think I might get my hair cut today aswell. “My hair is long because I haven’t had the time to have it cut.”

4. It’s the morning, Lyra and Yumo are asleep. I’m having coffee and Elise is getting some screentime. No one is crying or angry and it’s a very pleasant start to Saturday morning.

5. The Apple photo widget has such a noticeable, positive impact on my life. Opening my phone to old photos of my wife, kids and family is just THE BEST.

I find I come home from work and spend time with the kids and eventually get them to bed and then I have time. The thing I want most in the whole world, beyond a home gym and a British supermarket.

Yet, I inevitably waste it with idle browsing, being annoyed or stressed or anxious, some of this and some of that. Then suddenly it’s late and I really should be in bed and I’m feeling no better for the time.

So new plan is to have a plan in the evening. Monday was go to the gym, which was awesome and then. Yesterday Lyra and I started watching Monsters and Love - which is fine if the voiceovers are a bit much.

I think I just need to be specific. Using the time to go through my RSS feeds or even catching up on some YouTube videos is fine. There just needs to be purpose.

New me continues. Am I peaking too early?

Broke out the kettlebell and did this:

Perform 5 circuits of the following:

5 Dumbbell Snatches Per Arm
5 Dumbbell Swings Per Arm
10 Burpees
Rest 60 seconds and repeat

11:14.

The burpees slowed me right down. I should do more of them I suppose.

It occurred to me that I am, finally, becoming more pragmatic about doing exercise. Not by choice you understand. I would dearly love a gym outfitted in a way that China doesn’t do - by which I mean like a Crossfit gym - but it’s not going to happen. Maybe one day.

The one at school is actually pretty close but I can only use it straight after work and that doesn’t work. My family will come first. Always. Even if it gratesd, and it did. It still does a little. The pragmatism is there now, I’m happier about finding something that works for me, and that being ok.

That said, the big issue is not eating so much rubbish. That’s the real struggle!

The few hours Lyra and I just had were just what I needed. A chance to reset my mindset and for me to start again.

I’ve found it difficult when I’m either with my own children before and after work and other people’s children between 6am and 9pm. Much as love my own children and I do enjoy my teaching other people’s.

It’s one of those things about teaching that, when you’re working, yes you’re in charge but your time is very much not your own. You can’t leave the room to go to the toilet or go speak to someone, you can’t sit and have a think. While we do get some ‘free’ time during the time, it’s incredibly difficult to switch off. When you’re teaching them there’s a million other things to do.

Anyway. I feel very much better for the evening off of parenting and teaching.

Best thing you can do for your children sometimes, is to be away from them!

When your job involves working with young children (I teach Year 1(kindergarten)) and you have small children of your own at home. So your life involves the associated testing of patience before, during and after work. It’s a little emotionally taxing.

In other news grass is green and water is wet.

This is also me thinking I should be a little kinder on myself.

In theory it made sense.

I want to exercise more regularly but I’m also aware that when I exercised straight after work it impacted on the kids and my wife. Since I was getting home late. I didn’t like it and always felt guilty for working out so it never felt like ‘quality time’ and, honestly, it wasn’t enjoyable as a result.

Over the summer, we joined a gym and while the equipment selection was dire it was better than nothing.

So the idea was that I could go to the gym after the kids went to bed in the evening. I could come home straight from work and spend more time with them and help with cooking dinner etc.

In theory it made sense.

Except, unsuprisingly, after being at work all day and then coming home and dealing with that stuff, picking myself up to go to the gym and work out is proving tricky/difficult/impossible.

I did it once last week.

And today is the same.

I like the time I get with the kids but I also would like to exercise - for my emotional and physical health. I don’t know, I don’t have answers honestly. Just lots of questions. Should I put myself first more often? What about my wife? Or is always that my children come first?

Do. Not. Know.

This story of a British lawyer being refused a visa he didn’t apply for always gets me as I imagine us in that situation, trying to navigate the UK Home Office to get Lyra a visa. It’s not a simple process.

The classroom is nearly as set up as it’s going to be. We have new students coming in tomorrow for a short while to meet us. Then we start in earnest on Monday. Most of our students will be in school, with a few not because they’re unable to get into the country.

It feels like this will be the last pause before everything becomes chaotic next week. Trying to take a moment to breathe before that all starts.

I remember the first time I was nervous flying.

Growing up, it’s not that we flew a lot but when we did it was relatively long flights. So i’ve always been fine flying. It’s the safest form of travel! All the same, you’re pretty high in the air arent' you often over boundless stretches of water,

It was after Elise was born and suddenly everything was different. The first time we flew a shortish flight and I was suddenly nervous on take off. It wasn’t about just me anymore.

I think this thought popped up because I was in the hospital today and that’s always a good place to get you thinking about things.

It’s interesting to hear Elise talking to classmates as she leaves school. In Chinese she uses their full name - which is normally two or three characters and so that many ‘sounds’. So, it doesn’t make saying the whole name too long.

I thought how strange that would be if children did that in the UK or similar places.

Workout today was supposed to be 3 X 1000m row but I was forced to run instead. First time I’ve run in quite a while. I realised:

• Sometimes I like running - it felt pretty good
• But I don’t like treadmills as I could maybe have gone faster but wasn’t quite brave enough.
• I’m not confident about my Airpods Pros staying in.

After I did some farmer’s carry’s and then some side plank. Lyra and I have been exercising more regularly than I have in the longest time and I feel so much better for doing it. Would love to continue but how I fit that into my schedule when I go back to work is to be decided.

Our youngest likes to see the light rail trains.

We always point them out when we see them. Yet, we don’t ever take them even though the station is only 5 minutes walk from our flat. It’s easier to drive or take a Didi (Chinese Uber). So this afternoon we took the kid on it. Lyra found a restaurant near* a stop that’s 6 stops away. So we donned our masks since it’s one of the few places that you still have to wear them and we went.

It was nice. It felt like an adventure.

We walked (and walked). We saw things. We explored a new area a little. It made us realise we didn’t do this much. We drive and and we go to the same places a lot. We said, we should do this again soon. Admittedly we also said it would be easier when the kids are bigger too!

Then we found the place, a Korean bbq restaurant, that was busier then we expected but was worth the wait. We’d bought some baozi (steamed buns) for the kids on the way to keep the kids occupied a little. I had a couple of beers, Lyra and I shared some plum wine too. The place was busy in a good way. I started to feel a little drunk, in the best kind of way.

Here’s to next time.

*It wasn’t near.

I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance;
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.
— Dawna Markova

I’m aware how much I gloss over most of what I read online, taking the time when there’s some more scrolling to do. With that in mind, I’m copying some of the poems down into a notebook to help me take more time over them.

We travel a fair bit. Partly, I think because of our location - which makes Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam relatively short flights away but mostly because of our global family. We travel a lot to see family. The joke is that we couldn’t be further apart. We’re in China, Mum and Dad are in Mauritius, sister is on the West Coast of America and my brother is in the UK. Mum and dad buy round-the-world tickets to visit us all.

When we had just had our eldest we travelled a fair bit with her because 2:1 is a decent ratio for childcare but we’re finding that with a second child that ratio ain’t so grand. It’s a holiday, but not as you know it.

We’ve just got back from 6 days in Sanya on the island of Hainan on the south coast of China. I realise we are lucky to have gotten away in the current situation.

It was very up and down. The pools were lovely, obviously hotel breakfast is great but the much smaller space of a hotel room made things more difficult sometimes and stressful.

I am glad we did it though. I am back and feeling a little calmer about things generally. Now to start put my computer down a little more, spend a little more time with the kids and wife, exercise a little more and read a little more.

Students had their last day yesterday and teachers finished today. We did a little more packing up and that was that.

It’s always a strange day. In international teaching, there’s always staff leaving as contracts end. As well, this year, some teachers are still out of the country. Of whom some will return and others won’t. The last we saw of them was them was the end of January. Those who won’t return, we likely won’t ever see them again.

I’m trying to dampen the anxiety of next year. There’s going to be so many changes and I can’t help let the worries build, a little at least. How will I do this or that and how will things work out? I’m trying to let them go, for now at least.

Instead, to try and relax a little. To maybe reflect on the last 5 months. Of our the quarantine, e-learning programme, of going back to school again.

After reading some of @MDonaldson’s newsletter about starting to use Micro.blog and how it encourages people to interact. It has got me thinking about how I find it hard to engage online. In that, I actively choose not too. I spend a lot of time reading, but not interacting. I’m thinking particularly about Twitter and Reddit. That that is a for a variety of reasons. I feel like I’m breaking that habit more and more with Micro.blog but it’s still hard.

I’ve always been a little jealous of other’s morning routines. Since, these days, mine rarely involves, peace, quiet or stillness. Instead it involves 1 or 2 small children, argy-bargy, nappies, a rushed coffee and getting out the door with my head-not-right at 7am.

It wasn’t always like this, and I’m sure it won’t be like this forever but for now, it’s hard. Especially since work is especially is, how to put it - time-consuming at the moment. We continue to support out students not coming into school, while some students are in school.

With all that said. Every morning, either in the Didi (Uber) or sitting in the car park after driving to work, I’ve been putting a few words into my Day One journal. And it’s been good, actually. Not all of it has been positive but I’m hoping it’s a start of a habit…

In no particular order:

• Reports are done but…
• Doing e-learning and teaching students in school is ‘time-consuming’ and draining.
• It doesn’t feel like the end of term.
• I don’t know what it feels like, honestly.
• Starting to learn a little more about what next year will look like since our student and teacher numbers will be down. Lots of change.
• There’s going to be an, optional and paid, summer school for a week.
• Is it worth it?

This site said we were 439m on the 69th floor. Now, most of the time I take things for granted. Planes can fly thousand of feet in the air, there’s people on the International Space Station, I can send messages in the blink of an eye - my dad tells me when he first moved to the UK he had to schedule a long distance phone call, and it’s all normal.

But last night, as we sat there I felt a little nervous. Not sure why now. Being so high up in this man made structure.

Yesterday was rubbish.

Today, I’m __ trying__ to not try and do everything at once and then beating myself up for inevitably failing.

Today, is one thing at a time. Exercise, not exercise and send work messages and trying to decide on the optimal music. Eat breakfast, not eat breakfast and check work emails and decide on what music.

Just one thing at a time

The reason that I feel like I do.

There was the time I drank tequila straight on the balcony at 2am. It all got a bit much. But really that passed pretty quickly, the hangover lingered but I moved on from the reasons for it the next day.

Yet this time, coming back from Cambodia. The hangover has lingered. I faced it down yesterday and started to feel like it was passing.

Yet today, it’s still here.

It’s because all all my priorities have changed. Things that were important, that felt so, aren’t anymore.

The things that are, just are.

They come before everything else now.

This week was glorious. Like a holiday should be but which we’re never sold on. Instead of beaches and pools it was evening meals and sitting on the sofa. Time with friends, of nothing much, nothing to excess, but more then enough. Too much. I am overflowing.

It was the time out that I sorely needed. A step back and away, away from everything that is daily life - of work, friendships that don’t feel enough, of the burdens of living abroad, of how soon there’ll be three of us in our little family. I didn’t realise how everything had combined to burden me in the way it did. This week has helped me remember again the important things in life. Love, friendship, kindness, done unconditionally. As well as how potent the opposites are at poisoning our thoughts.

Of how lucky I am in a multitude of ways. How too often that never seemed enough. How it never does. How I’m working to replace jealousy with love. Replacing wishing I had that with being glad that someone else does.

Different.

Different is good. It’s a holiday. It’s time with friends. It’s time to see someone where new. To relax. It’s time off. It’s time to think. To reassess. To plan.

You can take a horse to water…

I’ve been sending a friend a lot of quotes lately. She’s been having a hard time and likes them but really I can’t help think how useful they really are. The difference between treating the cause or just the symptoms. Somethings you just have to learn for yourself.

This is something that I have learnt for myself.

I want to write more. I never know what to write about. I say I’ll sit down and just see what comes… But that never happens.

So, I just spent 10 minutes putting photos on Flickr.

Was off sick today, felt horrible yesterday. Drained, lethargic, with no appetite, tired.

Today, felt better but stayed off because it wouldn’t have helped. I did go in for a parent information evening because no one else could do it. Got told that I didn’t look well, I thought I was feeling better.

But it did make me think about how good, or bad a judge of how we are.

Am I fine?

Am I well enough? Should I be doing more of this or less of this? Should I be staying at home instead of going to work? Should I be making more of effort to do this or that?

Are we a good judge? By what standards are we judging anyway?

When you fall off the edge and getting back involves a long climb. Returning isn’t simply a single step.

I meant to start a list of things I was going to start doing in the coming school year. I just never got around to finding the time to do it. I had a thought that I might do it tomorrow but realistically, I’m just gonna dilly dally. I want to do overhead squats and burpees but I think the school gym is under construction still.

I was going to meditate more, stick to the strength programme that I’m now paying for, write more, practise my Chinese more (especially outside in the real world), to try and get my head around teaching Year 2 and the particular requirements that our school presents.

Maybe I should just do all of them.

I don’t think I like good byes. It’s not easy when it’s ‘good bye, see you next year, possibly, visa permitting.’

And not ‘Good bye, see you soon’ or ‘good bye, see you next week’ because you work together or they live in the same city or the same country.

Coming back to the UK full of good byes, often said too shortly said after saying hello again.

I feel an obligation to make the very most of it, whatever that means. To make it meaningful perhaps. To try and say all those things that I’ve been meaning to get off my chest. To say to someone I feel knows me better.

It’s never that way, of course.

Spending time with good friends isn’t like that. It’s filled with comfortable silence, jokes, memories, simply talking.

But I’ve realised, that that’s enough. It’s not that I need to get it all out, more I needed to find a place when I can instead cope with the things I’ve been thinking about.

Home is the place I go back to, the place I sleep and eat, where I spend most of my time, a place I feel comfortable, a place I feel I belong.

I think about it a lot, especially when I come back to the U.K..

When I think about why I’m coming back, what I’m going to do, where I’m going to stay, who I (need/want/am going) to see.

It complicates it in ways that still makes me feel the anxiety rising.

This time I came back because there were people and things I missed living abroad.

I suppose it is significant the people I have seen and those I didn’t get around to seeing.

The people who can make me feel like I’m home, the places I can say the same.

Jealousy is easy. You can be jealous of everyone!

Look at that person in a fancy car that you don’t really care about! It’s expensive! I bet it makes them so much happier then you are right now!

Look at that person in the shop buying stuff that you neither want, nor need! I bet it they feel a kind of pure joy that is unobtainable without spending money!

Look at that person in First Class! They will know happiness for the next 10 hours that you will never know, stuck back there in the economy seats as you head across the world on holiday.

Look at that couple! Don’t they look so happy. They are probably happy all the time. Don’t they look so perfect!

Look at that guy in that shop, working there would be simpler? Sure it might be a bit monotonous but you wouldn’t have half as much stress. Wouldn’t need to take work home either!

Look at them. They must earn less then you, they must be nice. Who needs stuff anyway? Clothes or fancy food, you don’t really. I think it must be great being them.

It was nice to see some of the things in that last post. It was nice I had a quiche this morning and that ordering my Starbucks was uneventful instead of the ‘should I try to speak Chinese or should I just say ‘grande latte’. That I could read everything I needed to do on labels or machines. That the lady in Starbucks said, ‘sorry darling’ with a Northern twang when she accidentally bumped into me.

But walking through the centre of Manchester yesterday lunch time, the overriding feeling was of being overwhelmed by it all. It was just a massive shock to the system. It’s not the number of people, China doesn’t lack for that at all. When I’m in China, I don’t have the anxiety I did yesterday. Whereas here, it’s definitely there. I don’t know why, I’m not so worried about bumping into someone in China or making eye contact. Here… It’s just more so, justified or not.

In no particularly order - understanding other people’s conversations around you, Kate, paying for a trolley at the airport, not having to fill in a landing card, £5:40 for parking, safer driving, Finn the dog, Finn the dog snoring, lasagne, squash, water from a tap, WESTERN SUPERMARKETS, pork pies, garlic bread, tea, jet lag, proper milk.

Have been posting to omar.tumblr.com more and more. It’s more private then Facebook and other reasons but it’s there.

I was listening to Bloc Party recently and it took me back to a particular place in my life.

JH and I went to two different gigs in a really short space of time, I think. I remember buying one set of them over face value too, I think. I was doing my PGCE. So, it was… (approximate values)

3 teaching years in China. 3 teaching years in Manchester 1 teaching year in Gloucester

about 7 years ago.

And the second one was in Wolverhampton, Jenn drove and we went up with J and S. And it’s not that that I remember, it’s that it was then I decided to not do my third and final PGCE placement. It was one of those times when the right decision feels like the wrong one. I needed to do it and in hindsight I can see that with startling clarity but at the time it didn’t feel that way. I needed to take myself out of the situation. And I did, and for a time, it took a while to work things through. And I did work them through. And I moved on and up and out of Gloucester and then up and out of the country.

Life ebbs and flows, this much I know. But when times are bad, I already know that I’ve been here before and that it has turned around.

1. This is ok.
2. I’m alright, I’ve got this.
3. It’s good, I’m breathing hard. I need to do this.
4. Crap. I’m remembering what last time was like now.
5. Why haven’t I stopped? One more and I’m done.
6. It was fine until I stopped running, now I I’m breathing too hard and I feel sick.
7. Hahaha I love this shit.

Glorious start to a Sunday morning.

Short, expensive visit to the British Consulate today to promise I’m not married.

My favourite cafe. It’s big and open and you have to order through an instant messaging app but a lovely place to hang out and relax.

My patience is worn thin.

I think it’s because of work. Just for a change I feel like I’m not completely in control of everything I wish to be in control of. Of my teaching and all the things related with it - assessment, planning, the actual teaching, all the little things that go with it. Nothing new I suppose. It’s just couple with having co-teaching issues and issues with other teachers and I just don’t know where to start.

I would like to feel more organised, focused. I don’t like this feeling simply all over the place. And while I appreciate I should make better use of my time I don’t really feel like I ever have enough of it. The students start to arrive at 7:45 and, at the moment, Lyra and I get the school bus which gets in at 7:45. Then suddenly it’s 3:30 and I’m done.